Interracial Dating: A Nigerian Perspective

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Interracial Relationships by Sewere

I grew up in a country where despite the fact that the vast majority of people there are black folks, there are serious limitations to interactions between people from different ethnic groups.These differences are particularly pronounced when it comes to who you decide to pair with (dating or marriage). As the product of one of those forbidden marriages, I grew up not paying any attention to who I could or could not date (obviously believing that the person should respect both my heritages and my family.) I pretty much stuck to that mantra when I moved to the U.S. So I am often surprised when I find myself pulled into conversations like the one I with a friend of my cousin�s�.

Cousin [interjecting out of nowhere]: You know he�s dated white women?

Friend: What is it with these brothers with dread locks chasing after white women?

Me [playing the oblivious]: I don�t know, it probably because The Man � put something into the beeswax.

Friend: But really what is it with you brothers and white women?

Me: Um, I don�t know but I�ll be sure to take a poll at the next Brothers Who Date White Women meeting?

Friend: But I�m serious, is it because you don�t think black women are beautiful?

Me: That�s an interesting question, but why would you assume that because I�ve dated white women I couldn�t have dated black women, can�t love black women or any other woman for that fact?

Friend: But what is wrong with black women that you want to go look at other women? Y�all don�t know no better.

Me [wondering why the hell I�m being bothered at my own birthday]: Absolutely nothing, I�m just as attracted to black women as I am to any woman.

Friend: So why don�t you have a preference for black women?

Me [trying to understand the reason for the third degree on my dating life]: I don�t think I have a preference for any race of a woman to be honest. What�s your preference and why?

Friend: I want a Real Black Man �. Someone who can really appreciate and deserves the beautiful black woman that I am.

Me: Ok, but what do you mean Real Black Man. Because my experience being black and Nigerian has been that I�m not really a black man.

Cousin [interjecting again]: Her husband is Nigerian!

Me: So does that mean that your husband wouldn�t be considered a Real Black Man.

Friend: You know I made him work to get my attention and I wanted him to prove he deserved me.

Me: That�s great but what if I were to tell you that he, like some Nigerian men, consider you more appealing than Nigerian women? What if I were to tell you that based on my experience some Nigerian men have a preference for African-American women because they think you�re better looking than Nigerian and/or African women as a whole?

Friend: I don�t care about that.

As much as this conversation felt that it was jumping all over the place, I think it embodies many of the conversations I�ve had with the majority of the black women who have noted their objection to my dating interracially.

I want to be clear on what I�m saying though, this isn�t to say that ALL/MOST/MANY black women subscribe to this perspective; it is simply to say the ones who have noted their objection have for the most part been unwilling to examine their privileges within the larger (global) black community.

As much as there has been discussion about black men who disrespect black women AND then use this as an excuse to date interracially, I get the impression that in conversations every black man/woman who dates interracially is automatically charged as being �race traitor� and having a preference for someone who is better because she/he is not black. I sincerely believe African American women have faced indescribable sexism from men from their own community in the form of being described as less than other women as well as being insulted as community property for dating/marrying interracially.

However, I find that when I try to engage the conversation injecting my dating history, things start to degenerate with charges of preferences, self-hating and race traitor are thrown around with no cause. This makes it particularly frustrating considering the complexities of dating hierarchies that exist within the larger black community. By this I mean the fact that in some instances black women enjoy certain privileges of preference amongst other black communities. To give you an example, I remember a conversation I had with my aunt when I mentioned that I was dating an African American woman. My aunt�s response was to ask why I couldn�t find a good Yoruba woman (I�m not even going to go into the maddening ethnic fractures that ensues when folks hear that I am Ijebu-Yoruba). She then asked me why I thought African American women were more beautiful because they had �good hair�, fairer complexion and were Americans.

Certainly, this basis of this question associates all Americans with �whiteness� and anything that is thus associated is better (even when no such difference exists between African-Americans and Africans). But this still does not negate the reality that within the black diaspora, African American women are in some ways privileged over African women. I wish I could tell you how many times I�ve actually seen this play out with exchange students I met when I was in secondary/high school and university, men and women who I noted enjoyed the attention and (to the best of my knowledge of our interactions) did not question the attention. I also remember SOME of the African American women who married well-educated, wealthy, upper class and in some cases celebrity Nigerian men*, who treated their Nigerian families and black compatriots with the kind of disdain you would expect from white colonials. I want to be clear again about this, I am not saying ALL/MOST/MANY African-American women who are married to Nigerian men wield their privileges this way. Not at all, what I am asking is why is it that black folks who date interracially are automatically labeled as haters of people of their own race when a similar unexamined racialized dynamic/ hierarchy and privilege exists within the diversity of the black diaspora?

* The anecdotal evidence that I observed on black intra-ethnic pairings while growing up in Nigeria actually bears out in the last data I�ve seen. Sometime last year, Rachel reviewed a 2006 article by Baston and Lichter in the Journal of Marriage and Family and noted that �West Indians and Africans marry African Americans much more frequently than they marry Whites� The other important thing to note is that majority of African-American and African pairings are African-American women and African men.

Comments

16 Responses to “Interracial Dating: A Nigerian Perspective”

Ron on July 10th, 2008 12:05 am

Perhaps because of the “one drop” rule that has been in full-effect inside of the USA, since 1619 that inter-racial dating or marriage is no big deal. I’m sure some sisters get a little miffed, but look at Obama he’s a by-product of an African/European American mating and he’s still considered black…..he even married a chocolate brown sister……Moreover if you view this country’s racial attitude historically, you’ll find that the Jim Crow Apartheid Era was set in law by an octaroon (one-eighth black man) Homer Plessy and he lost in the US Supreme Court in 1896…..that “separate but equal law” stood on the books of the Americas until Brown v. Board in 1954, but was still enforced in the Southern regions and much of the Midwest, North, West and East until the 1970’s. Likewise anti-miscegenation laws against inter-racial marriage were on the books in 29 states until the 1960’s.

I’m just saying that any black and –fill-in-the-blank-race—that has children in the United States the offspring are considered black. So, the more the merrier.
Ron on July 10th, 2008 1:53 am

A good friend of mine married a Nigerian man. She was on an authinic African male search, to fulfill
her romanitc fantasy African script that has been running in her head since she was a little girl. She
left her fair-skinned African American boyfriend of eight years to be with her new Nigerian lover. Okay,
in all fairness to the sister, her 8 year relationship never lead to marriage, so it was the African American
dude’s loss. My friend has been married for several years and have two children. She certainly expierenced
cultural shock on how ridgid and traditional the Nigerian views were on womanhood verses the American viewpoint. She was marginalized by her Nigerian inlaws, until she produced two boys and that changed
her status within the group. Go figure. Now the men in her husband’s family treat her with respect and reverence–who knew. It is absolutely foreign to me, but hey whatever floats your boat.
Brandon P. on July 12th, 2008 5:42 am

Not at all, what I am asking is why is it that black folks who date interracially are automatically labeled as haters of people of their own race

It’s probably because of two reasons:

1) The usual racist nonsense that all races are vulnerable to
2) I have the impression that some black people, particularly women, don’t want their race to be judged as less attractive or desirable as mates than other races. Considering how underexposed attractive black people are compared to attractive white and Asian women in the dominant culture, I can understand this concern.
Renee on July 12th, 2008 7:03 am

Blacks constantly have to “prove” their blackness to be accepted by the community. How many times do you hear that one is talking white, or acting white? It is no leap to see this attitude transferred to inter racial dating.It is assumed that you are trying to escape a black identity by taking on that of your lovers. I cannot speak for all women but as a WOC in an inter racial relationship for 18 years I would have to say if anything it has made me more racially aware The constant effort of having to “prove” my blackness has caused me to study black history I might otherwise not have.
Geoff on July 14th, 2008 3:48 pm

Very interesting post. I was unaware of the this aspect of “interracial” dating and I think it illustrates the underlying belief(found in all races) that the members of your race should be the most desirable. This mind set also leads to some people thinking th emembers of their race should be the smartest, most athletic, etc. It’s a very limited approach to the world which ignores the good properties of other races. Additionally, I’m a black male in an interracial relationship with an Indian female. I frequently go thourgh a similar conversation where people assume that because my current partner is not black, I must never have dated a black woman. It’s frustrating but I think there’s no real solution to it. As long as people beleive their particular race is the best, they will disparage interracial dating.
Sewere on July 14th, 2008 9:18 pm

Thanks for the feedback folks. Sorry I’ve been late getting back to you, work has been a bit demanding. But enough about me, let’s jump into it shall we?

@ Ron,

She was marginalized by her Nigerian inlaws, until she produced two boys and that changed
her status within the group. Go figure.

Yeah, I would definitely agree that that is part of the misogyny in most patriarchal communities, a woman is not fully acknowledged as part of the family until she bares sons.

@ Renee

Blacks constantly have to �prove� their blackness to be accepted by the community. How many times do you hear that one is talking white, or acting white?

Thanks so much for putting it like that, I never thought of it as part of the whole “How black are you?” mode of thinking.

@ Geoff

As long as people beleive their particular race is the best, they will disparage interracial dating.

I sort of agree with you but I think it’s a little different with Black women in this particular case. I think the issue is like hyper-resistance to factors that include 1)sexism that limits the choice in partners, 2)constant denigration from Media and more importantly the Wesley Snipes-type men who put black women down by comparing them to women of other races and 4) the lack of suitable partners. None of these issues are directly related to black men in interracial relationships but given the complexity of the matter and the sound-bite/superficial nature in which things are approached, black men in interracial relationships become easy targets for a type of anger that is valid in it’s source but misdirected in target.
Cynthia on July 16th, 2008 8:17 pm

Great post!

I have a issue with people who want to judge my dating life…like I’m leading it for them.

I have dated Africans before, my family treated like I was “stepping down or backwards” (I’m African American). His family considered me an “akata” and that I wasn’t good enough…in fact, some of them (the women) couldn’t stand the thought of me and we have never met.

Anyway, I am saying all of this because I don’t care aboout who dates who or their reasons why. If you can make sense of it in your head and you aren’t hurting anybody, it’s not my issue. All I can do is act like myself and show that there are smart, worldly, OPEN black women out there so if anything (not even coming at this from a dating standpoint) at least, peeps know…we exist!
kieya on July 20th, 2008 9:08 pm

I don’t have a problem with interracial dating as a Black woman. Been there done that.

And if Black men want to date women of other races, thats well & good too.

But my problem lies with the Black men who say “I don’t date Black women b/c they’re *insert stereotype about Black women i.e. golddiggers, stank attitudes, angry all the time, etc…*”

I’ve had guys say that to me & I think its rude & disrespectful to lump us all together based on a few experiences.

And honestly, I think Black women get more sh*t when we “date out” from Black men & women than Black men get. And its alot harder. I’ve had white friends say how much they’ve wanted to approach a Black woman but were afraid.
Ann on July 26th, 2008 6:46 pm

“I�ve had white friends say how much they�ve wanted to approach a Black woman but were afraid.”

Afraid of what?
Ann on July 26th, 2008 7:44 pm

“The other important thing to note is that majority of African-American and African pairings are African-American women and African men.”

Why do you think that is?

Is it because some black American men suffer from colorism, or have a backwards prejudice against Africans?

“She then asked me why I thought African American women were more beautiful because they had �good hair�, fairer complexion and were Americans.”

Is/was your aunt aware as to how black American women came by that “good hair”, “fairer complexion” was due to white male hatred/rape of black women during slavery/Reconstruction/segregation, and not because the majority of white men gave a damn about black women? Did you inform your aunt as to why black Americans look like we do, due in large part because as a race, we were *made* in America…….i.e., raped into existence.

“I also remember SOME of the African American women who married well-educated, wealthy, upper class and in some cases celebrity Nigerian men*, who treated their Nigerian families and black compatriots with the kind of disdain you would expect from white colonials.”

Hmm.

Sad, but, it comes with the territory. This is whiteness-loving America, and EVERYONE has been affected by it, not just white people. Even with all the vicious cruelties that white Americans have done to Black Americans, Africans, Asians, Native Americans, etc., many so-called POC go out of their way to slavishly seek the nearest-to-white-looking-attributes they can find in a potential mate.

Not to mention, identifying with whiteness and all the destruction it has wrought upon this country and the world.

But, it is hard to avoid the brainwashing effect that the media bombards everyone with concerning what is considered beautiful (white) and what is not (black).

“I sort of agree with you but I think it�s a little different with Black women in this particular case. I think the issue is like hyper-resistance to factors that include 1)sexism that limits the choice in partners, 2)constant denigration from Media and more importantly the Wesley Snipes-type men who put black women down by comparing them to women of other races and 4) the lack of suitable partners. None of these issues are directly related to black men in interracial relationships but given the complexity of the matter and the sound-bite/superficial nature in which things are approached, black men in interracial relationships become easy targets for a type of anger that is valid in it�s source but misdirected in target.”

Bingo!

You hit the nail right on the head.

Black American women have been disparaged for over 400 years:

From white men: nigger bitches; black slut; wenches;
From black men: angry; too independent

to name just a few misogynistic terms

Not to mention that when your own black men (so-called black *men* like Snipes) PUBLICLY declare black women as less than human (as if HIS mother is not a black woman, looking at how black he is), then that is a black man out-whiting the white man in racist/sexist hatred of the women of his own race.

Not to mention, black men (like Snipes) would not have the balls to call white, Latina, Asian, etc., women such hated terms. He would get his nuts torn off, and he knows it. So, disparage black American women, nobody gives a damn. Oh, and for men like Snipes who think that castigating black women builds them up in the eyes of non-blacks when people like him show hatred for the women of his own race, it only shows him to be a pathetic individual in the eyes of non-blacks. For when people of other races see how some black men mistreat black women, and will not treat the women of their own race decently, HOW IN GOD’S NAME are they to have respect for so-called men like Snipes? How are they to to think but badly of men who attack the women of their own race as if that is supposed to give men like Snipes some type of brownie points with racists.

If men (of other races) copycat black men like Snipes, then men like Snipes will be the first to howl at the evil racist fill in the blank_________________non-black man for disparaging a black American woman, forgetting all along that it was black men like him (Snipes) who sanctions, and keeps fueled, this hatred of black women.

Maybe it is because some men like Snipes, racist white men, etc., are cowards, and hate that black women have had to survive some vicious hells at the hands of men from many races, and that those men (and I call them *men* with strong reservations) like Snipes, etc., would not be able to handle the lives that black American women live through every day.

Many men like Snipes, would blow their brains out if they had to put up with the feces that so many black women put up with from men of ALL RACES.

Hell, many men would blow their heads off if they had to spend 1 year in the shoes of black American women.

They would not have the balls to handle living a black woman’s life.

I question men like Snipes, who are so quick to beat down and denigrate black women, BUT, black men (LIKE him) are the first to squeal for black women to come a running and help them when the fit hits the shan.

Let’s see.

The next time a cop shoots an unarmed black man dead, let’s see who comes running to protest for the dead black man? (And I AM NOT speaking of the few non-black epople who do):

-White women in droves? No.
-Asian women in droves? No.
-Native American women in droves? No.
-Middle Eastern/Arabic women in droves? No.

Nope.

Just the poor loyal-to-everyone-but-herself black American woman.

Maybe if more black American women cut loose more of the dead weight in their lives (black women haters like Snipes) they would have somewhat less stress and hell in their lives.

Less black women running to the defense of Snipes, R. Kelly, etc., and more respect and loyalty TO EACH OTHER would certainly not hurt.
sokari on July 28th, 2008 4:54 am

This is interesting because I just returned from 3 wks in Nigeria (where I am from) and found that it wasnt Black men with white women but Black women with white men - The sheer numbers were astounding. Just take a visit to the beach or any of the numerous social clubs.
sokari on July 28th, 2008 4:56 am

PS I forgot to say that I met a 30 something Black woman who is on her 3rd white man marriage and stated clearly that she would never partner a Nigerian man, plus all her friends were partnered to white men - disturbing.
QuakerDave on August 11th, 2008 5:39 pm

Off-topic:

You have won a major award:

http://quakeragitator.wordpress.com/2008/08/11/i-kick-ass/
angel on September 11th, 2008 1:00 am

Hi! As a black woman, please be advised that not all black women feel this way. I personally dont have any problem with black men (or women) dating outside of the race.As a black woman with a somewhat diluted family tree, I embrace interracial dating, the many fruits that it produces and the diversity that it encourages. What I do have a problem with, however (and i believe that this is an important distinction to be made) is with black men who exclusively DO NOT date black women because for whatever reason they think black women are beneath them. These men do exist. Unfortunatly i have a friend from college who feels this way. …I still dont know how our friendship persists. Also, not to make this too long but two more brief points. A lot of black women get very angry when, specifically educated and well compensated black men date outside of their race. As a black woman at a top school, I know that most of my peers are white. If you believe that a person should be with someone who they really love and click with then from a statistical perspecective, wouldn’t these overeducated black men just have a higher probability of meeting a white woman they click with? Its simple mathematics if you ask me. That may beckon the question of why you didn’t see the same phenomenon among black women (i say didn’t because I am hoping that will change) Well black women, as displayed by their passion on the subject are less willing, for whatever reason, to accept and therefore engage in interracial dating. Again another simple concept. Lastly, on a more controversial note. I know black women very well. And to be quite honest, there are plenty of black women out there who are walking around with chips on their shoulders (perhaps from frustration about this topic). I hate to say it, but there are too many black women out there who appear angry for no reason. I dont not believe this is justification for black men to refuse to date any black women (as there are many, many black women who do not fit this description) BUT to the angry black women out there….really, put yourself in a man’s shoes and ask yourself…would you want to date yourself? Because I sure wouldn’t.
WhiteGirl on April 9th, 2009 11:54 pm

Thank you for writing this article about interracial dating. I am a white woman, dating a Nigerian man, and have many concerns on how our cultures and families will integrate if we choose to marry.
I am divorced from a white man; We had one child together, and this poses even more questions for me regarding the integration of our families and cultures.
Does anyone from a white/Nigerian relationship have any advice for me about itroducing my son to my Nigerian boyfriends family? He has told me that his family will be accepting of my son, who is only 3 years old, but I have my doubts and concerns as any person would.
I would also like to understand more about the racial profiling that Nigerian’s percieve here in the states. My boyfriend gets very nervous around large groups of white people, or large groups of African/Americans. It makes it somewhat difficult for us to go anywhere together, especially when the group of people are my personal friends. He’s always very concious of his race and decent, even in “safer” places, like Church.
I would really like to understand and be sympathetic in more ways than I am currently. I try my best to put myself in his shoes, and sometimes I feel he’s over reacting, but I will always be supportive of his issue, and have often agreed to forgo an event for his sake.
Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
ronnie brown on April 19th, 2009 12:05 am

i’d be interested in knowing what makes your Nigerian boyfriend so nervous about being around “large groups of African-Americans”…and what makes a church a “safer” place…

sound like a man with some major issues.