Nov

8

Obama’s “Mutt” Comment

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Interracial Relationships | 25 Comments

I know he was trying to be funny, but it was a little off putting. Comparing mixed race people to dogs–not really a good idea. I understand self deprecating humor is held to a different standard. You know the rule–you can talk about yourself and your group, but you need to tread lighting when talking about other groups or other people. Nevertheless, I would think that he would understand how loaded that terminology is.

Jul

9

Interracial Dating: A Nigerian Perspective

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Interracial Relationships | 16 Comments

I grew up in a country where despite the fact that the vast majority of people there are black folks, there are serious limitations to interactions between people from different ethnic groups.These differences are particularly pronounced when it comes to who you decide to pair with (dating or marriage). As the product of one of those forbidden marriages, I grew up not paying any attention to who I could or could not date (obviously believing that the person should respect both my heritages and my family.) I pretty much stuck to that mantra when I moved to the U.S. So I am often surprised when I find myself pulled into conversations like the one I with a friend of my cousins.

Cousin [interjecting out of nowhere]: You know hes dated white women?

Friend: What is it with these brothers with dread locks chasing after white women?

Me [playing the oblivious]: I dont know, it probably because The Man put something into the beeswax.

Friend: But really what is it with you brothers and white women?

Me: Um, I dont know but Ill be sure to take a poll at the next Brothers Who Date White Women meeting?

Friend: But Im serious, is it because you dont think black women are beautiful?

Me: Thats an interesting question, but why would you assume that because Ive dated white women I couldnt have dated black women, cant love black women or any other woman for that fact?

Friend: But what is wrong with black women that you want to go look at other women? Yall dont know no better.

Me [wondering why the hell Im being bothered at my own birthday]: Absolutely nothing, Im just as attracted to black women as I am to any woman.

Friend: So why dont you have a preference for black women?

Me [trying to understand the reason for the third degree on my dating life]: I dont think I have a preference for any race of a woman to be honest. Whats your preference and why?

Friend: I want a Real Black Man . Someone who can really appreciate and deserves the beautiful black woman that I am.

Me: Ok, but what do you mean Real Black Man. Because my experience being black and Nigerian has been that Im not really a black man.

Cousin [interjecting again]: Her husband is Nigerian!

Me: So does that mean that your husband wouldnt be considered a Real Black Man.

Friend: You know I made him work to get my attention and I wanted him to prove he deserved me.

Me: Thats great but what if I were to tell you that he, like some Nigerian men, consider you more appealing than Nigerian women? What if I were to tell you that based on my experience some Nigerian men have a preference for African-American women because they think youre better looking than Nigerian and/or African women as a whole?

Friend: I dont care about that.

As much as this conversation felt that it was jumping all over the place, I think it embodies many of the conversations Ive had with the majority of the black women who have noted their objection to my dating interracially.

I want to be clear on what Im saying though, this isnt to say that ALL/MOST/MANY black women subscribe to this perspective; it is simply to say the ones who have noted their objection have for the most part been unwilling to examine their privileges within the larger (global) black community.

As much as there has been discussion about black men who disrespect black women AND then use this as an excuse to date interracially, I get the impression that in conversations every black man/woman who dates interracially is automatically charged as being race traitor and having a preference for someone who is better because she/he is not black. I sincerely believe African American women have faced indescribable sexism from men from their own community in the form of being described as less than other women as well as being insulted as community property for dating/marrying interracially.

However, I find that when I try to engage the conversation injecting my dating history, things start to degenerate with charges of preferences, self-hating and race traitor are thrown around with no cause. This makes it particularly frustrating considering the complexities of dating hierarchies that exist within the larger black community. By this I mean the fact that in some instances black women enjoy certain privileges of preference amongst other black communities. To give you an example, I remember a conversation I had with my aunt when I mentioned that I was dating an African American woman. My aunts response was to ask why I couldnt find a good Yoruba woman (Im not even going to go into the maddening ethnic fractures that ensues when folks hear that I am Ijebu-Yoruba). She then asked me why I thought African American women were more beautiful because they had good hair, fairer complexion and were Americans.

Certainly, this basis of this question associates all Americans with whiteness and anything that is thus associated is better (even when no such difference exists between African-Americans and Africans). But this still does not negate the reality that within the black diaspora, African American women are in some ways privileged over African women. I wish I could tell you how many times Ive actually seen this play out with exchange students I met when I was in secondary/high school and university, men and women who I noted enjoyed the attention and (to the best of my knowledge of our interactions) did not question the attention. I also remember SOME of the African American women who married well-educated, wealthy, upper class and in some cases celebrity Nigerian men*, who treated their Nigerian families and black compatriots with the kind of disdain you would expect from white colonials. I want to be clear again about this, I am not saying ALL/MOST/MANY African-American women who are married to Nigerian men wield their privileges this way. Not at all, what I am asking is why is it that black folks who date interracially are automatically labeled as haters of people of their own race when a similar unexamined racialized dynamic/ hierarchy and privilege exists within the diversity of the black diaspora?

* The anecdotal evidence that I observed on black intra-ethnic pairings while growing up in Nigeria actually bears out in the last data Ive seen. Sometime last year, Rachel reviewed a 2006 article by Baston and Lichter in the Journal of Marriage and Family and noted that West Indians and Africans marry African Americans much more frequently than they marry Whites The other important thing to note is that majority of African-American and African pairings are African-American women and African men.

Jun

3

How Much For My Baby Pics?

Filed Under Family Issues, Interracial Relationships, Media Praises and Critiques, Original Essays and Analysis, Pop Culture, Pregnancy and Childbirth, Sociology, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

I know many people love baby pictures. I do anyways. From little scrunchy newborns to running toddlers, I enjoy looking at the pictures but, I find it a little offensive how obsessed this culture is with celebrity baby photos.

Not long ago, I was standing in line at the grocery store when I saw several tabloid photos of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The stories all surrounded the impending birth of the couple’s twins. I’ve notice some gossip shows and websites suggesting that Pitt and Jolie are going to get upwards of $10,000,000 for their babies’ pictures. How decadent can we get?

The celebrity baby photo competition is out of control. This site gives out a few of the exorbitant prices that tabloids have paid to get the first photos of various celebrity babies. Imagine how many of the world’s poor children could be fed and vaccinated for the money given to these celebrities? In fact, I would hope that, if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really do care about the children in poor countries, they would donate that eight figure income to help children who really need food, shelter, and basic medical care.

I also have to make a personal connection because ever since I put up my last update on my pregnancy my number one search has been for “interracial new born baby pics.” Nobody has offered any money for my babies’ pictures. I think there is a gawk factor with mixed race babies and celebrity babies. People want to know about celebrity babies because they want to feel connected to stars. Plus, everyday folks can emulate the latest “baby trends,” like $750 dollar strollers or organic baby clothes. The gawk factor with mixed race babies is different. Since interracial sexuality still is surrounded by taboo and mystique, some people are curious about how mixed race kids look. This doesn’t translate into a paycheck like it does for celebrities, but it certainly translates into internet searches.

What’s fascinating about these examples is that they show how we assign value to people from the moment of birth. One’s value is directly connected to who their parents are; how much money those parents make; their nationality; their race; their popularity, and so on.

May

5

Woman Who Challenged Anti-Interracial Marriage Laws Has Died

Filed Under Family Issues, Interracial Relationships, Race and Racism | 1 Comment

A quote from the AP:

Mildred Loving, a black woman whose challenge to Virginia’s ban on interracial marriage led to a landmark Supreme Court ruling striking down such laws nationwide, has died, her daughter said Monday.

Peggy Fortune said Loving, 68, died Friday at her home in rural Milford. She did not disclose the cause of death.

Loving and her white husband, Richard, changed history in 1967 when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld their right to marry. The ruling struck down laws banning racially mixed marriages in at least 17 states.

Apr

21

Critiques of Obama’s Race Speech Which are Really About Racial Politics in the US Presidential Election Pt. 1

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Family Issues, Interracial Relationships, Media Praises and Critiques, Original Essays and Analysis, Politics, Race and Racism, U.S. History, Uncategorized | 34 Comments

While I think Barack Obama has done a good job walking the tightrope of racial politics in America, I get the feeling that he is heavily constrained by racism and racial stereotypes. This was one of my reactions to the now famous speech–it is always important to think about what is, and is NOT being said. For the record, I think the speech was good as a political speech, but as a speech about race in American it was so heavily constrained by the politics of racism that there were some important points that Obama omitted. Furthermore, the reactions to the speech steer discussion in some unfortunate directions, which is where most of my critique lies. Now before anybody gets upset at me for saying this, I don’t blame Obama for the subsequent discussion of his speech.? My critiques are not about the man as an individual, they are about racism and racial politics in America.

Let me start with some things I agreed with and liked about the speech. Obama (and the speech writers because I’m sure there were some) asserted that we don’t talk openly and honestly about race in America.? I think that is true–people either tend to deny the realities of racism and or they exaggerate, stereotype, or misrepresent when it comes to our differences.

I also agree that history has created a great deal of racial baggage that we carry around with us as people.? Moreover, there is an acknowledgement in the “speech on race” that these effects linger in the form of institutional racism.? Check out these few paragraphs (I referenced the text from Daily Kos.):

Understanding this reality requires a reminder of how we arrived at this point. ? As William Faulkner once wrote, “The past isn’t dead and buried. ? In fact, it isn’t even past.” ? We do not need to recite here the history of racial injustice in this country. ? But we do need to remind ourselves that so many of the disparities that exist in the African-American community today can be directly traced to inequalities passed on from an earlier generation that suffered under the brutal legacy of slavery and Jim Crow.

Segregated schools were, and are, inferior schools; we still haven’t fixed them, fifty years after Brown v. Board of Education, and the inferior education they provided, then and now, helps explain the pervasive achievement gap between today’s black and white students.

Legalized discrimination – where blacks were prevented, often through violence, from owning property, or loans were not granted to African-American business owners, or black homeowners could not access FHA mortgages, or blacks were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments meant that black families could not amass any meaningful wealth to bequeath to future generations. ? That history helps explain the wealth and income gap between black and white, and the concentrated pockets of poverty that persists in so many of today’s urban and rural communities.

A lack of economic opportunity among black men, and the shame and frustration that came from not being able to provide for one’s family, contributed to the erosion of black families a problem that welfare policies for many years may have worsened. ? And the lack of basic services in so many urban black neighborhoods parks for kids to play in, police walking the beat, regular garbage pick-up and building code enforcement all helped create a cycle of violence, blight and neglect that continue to haunt us.

This is the reality in which Reverend Wright and other African-Americans of his generation grew up. ? They came of age in the late fifties and early sixties, a time when segregation was still the law of the land and opportunity was systematically constricted. ? What’s remarkable is not how many failed in the face of discrimination, but rather how many men and women overcame the odds; how many were able to make a way out of no way for those like me who would come after them.

But for all those who scratched and clawed their way to get a piece of the American Dream, there were many who didn’t make it those who were ultimately defeated, in one way or another, by discrimination. ? That legacy of defeat was passed on to future generations those young men and increasingly young women who we see standing on street corners or languishing in our prisons, without hope or prospects for the future. ? Even for those blacks who did make it, questions of race, and racism, continue to define their worldview in fundamental ways. ? For the men and women of Reverend Wright’s generation, the memories of humiliation and doubt and fear have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. ? That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. ? But it does find voice in the barbershop or around the kitchen table. ? At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician’s own failings.

With the exception of the comment about welfare policy, which echoes Ronald Regan, I think these are pretty bold statements for a politician to make.? Of course, they are not quite as bold when they are framed as products of past discrimination rather than products of both past and present discrimination, but given the conservative nature of political discourse, I can live with it.

A Few Critiques of the Speech and Reactions to It?

The comment about Obama’s white grandmother has been pulled apart and parsed by pundits, most of whom don’t have a clue about the dynamics of interracial families.? Later, in discussing this speech Obama described his grandmother as the “typical white person” and the same pundits went crazy. These pundits expect people to be racially consistent and they cringe at the idea of whiteness being discussed in any way that is not exceptional1.? In the pundits’ minds, people can’t change their racial views over time, and they can’t hold contradictory views.? In reality, that’s exactly how people are when it comes to race.? I highly suspect that Obama’s grandmother is typical of most whites in her generation–they grew up with racial segregation both legalized and informal segregation as the norm and didn’t much question it.? Furthermore, intermarriage was illegal in many states during the much of his grandmother’s lifetime.? Although Obama has never spoken about his white grandparents reaction to his parents marriage and his birth, we know from surveys that during the early 1970s the vast majority of whites opposed interracial marriage and this opposition was still very strong even into the 1990s, when whites were asked about a family member intermarrying.? So it would be the least bit surprising if she had negative views of interracial relationships and black people.? It’s pretty clear that, like many white relatives of interracial couples and biracial people, Obama’s grandmother loved him and cared for him, and she held stereotypical views of black men.? That should not be hard to believe because it is the norm in many mixed race families, and in many people in general.
What bothered me about this part of the speech and the subsequent discussion of the racial dynamics of Obama’s family life is that I got the distinct impression that the underlying message Obama and some of his supporters were trying to convey was, “Hey, don’t forget; I’m/he’s white too” or “I’m/he’s not as black as you think I am/he is.”? To me that was a really sad revelation about the current state of racial politics in this country.

What made this worse was when it devolved into a common stereotype of mixed race people that I have discussed in the past (here and in papers I have presented at conferences).? The myth involves the belief that mixed race people are 1) signs of progress and 2) potential saviors who will somehow liberate us from racism because they understand “both worlds.”? On numerous occasions, people have treated Obama in this way.? They have viewed his mixed race heritage as something that bestows him with supernatural abilities, specifically the ability to transcend race and heal old racial wounds.? Having a mixed race family doesn’t not necessarily give an individual a special understanding of race, and being monoracial doesn’t preclude someone from being able to united diverse groups and develop an understanding of what it is like to be from “another race.”

I don’t totally blame Obama for reminding people that his mother is white–that is politics.? Obviously, his campaign thinks it will help him, and they are probably right about that.? I just don’t like the handful of narratives that we have developed about interracial families and mixed race people.? While the old narratives about tragic mulattos, the one drop rule, and sexually adventurous interracial couples are misguided, some of our new narratives–”the best of both worlds” and “the supernatural biracial uniter” are also misguided.

In the next post on the Obama speech, I’ll address two other problems I had with the speech and the reactions to it.? The 2 critiques/points are related to the following points 1) Are white “resentments” and black “anger” really equivalents?? Does the two way street anaology really work?? 2) Why does “Working Class” mean white in our political discourse?? And what does it say that we single out white working class resentment (racism)?

  1. Do you think they would have been mad if he described her as the “exceptional white person” rather than the “typical white person”? [back]

Feb

20

An Interracial Stereotype I’ve Never Heard Before – Communist Love!

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Interracial Relationships, Politics | 17 Comments

We’re all eagerly awaiting Rachel’s next post in this series. In the meantime, here’s an interesting stereotype about black/white interracial couples. I just read about this at Dispatches from the Culture Wars (OMG! Obama is a Communist, Part 2!); it comes straight from the geniuses at the National Review. Here are a few jaw-dropping passages.

And yet, all of my mixed race, black/white classmates throughout my youth, some of whom I am still in contact with, were the product of very culturally specific unions. They were always the offspring of a white mother, (in my circles, she was usually Jewish, but elsewhere not necessarily) and usually a highly educated black father. And how had these two come together at a time when it was neither natural nor easy for such relationships to flourish? Always through politics. No, not the young Republicans. Usually the Communist Youth League. Or maybe a different arm of the CPUSA. But, for a white woman to marry a black man in 1958, or 60, there was almost inevitably a connection to explicit Communist politics.

[...]

I don’t know how Barak Obama’s parents met. But the Kincaid article referenced above makes a very convincing case that Obama’s family, later, (mid 1970s) in Hawaii, had close relations with a known black Communist intellectual.

[...]

It was, of course, an explicit tactic of the Communist party to stir up discontent among American blacks, with an eye toward using them as the leading edge of the revolution.

Smear tacticians can’t make up their minds whether Obama is an Islamic Manchurian Candidate or a Communist Manchurian Candidate… and attacks like this are only going to escalate. But I actually have a positive feeling about all this: I think the attacks will eventually backfire. They’re not only hysterical and scattershot; they often have a really dated quality.

Feb

12

Myths About Intraracial Relationships Pt. 1

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Family Issues, Interracial Relationships, Original Essays and Analysis, Race and Racism, Sociology | 16 Comments

There are numerous stereotypes and myths about interracial relationships, and these myths come up over and over again in discussions. Rather than rehashing those myths and debating them for the 100th time, I figured I’d turn the tables.

Discussions of racism often focus only myths and stereotypes of people of color while ignoring the counter-myths of whiteness and white privilege. For example, in academic literature the myth/stereotype that black parents don’t care about their kids education has been explored in detail, but the unexplored counter notion that white families do care about their kids education is not explored. It is taken for granted. Moreover, whites are often held as the standard or the norm, and consequently, they are not seen as racialized people.

The same is true for intraracial relationships–they are held as the norm or the standard, and they are viewed as relationships that are not influenced by race. But let’s be real race doesn’t just influence interracial relationships, it also heavily influences intraracial relationships. In order to challenge the mythologies of interracial relationships, I thought it would be useful to first explore the mythologies of intraracial relationships. Here are just a few myths:

  1. Marrying someone of the same race guarantees that friends and family will approve of the relationship: There are a host of reasons why a family can oppose a relationship, and marry someone of the same race is no guarantee that families will be happy. They may find other reasons to object–religious differences, age differences, personality clashes, and many other issues.
  2. Marrying some one of the same race will minimize the likelihood of a couple having disagreements because people of the same race are much more alike than people of different races: Once again there are millions of ways that couples can have disagreements, so this should be self explanatory. But, it’s not for many people. First, I’m sure many of you know intraracial couples who disagree with each other on any number of issues, and in many cases they disagree on racial issues. Do all Asian/Asian, Black/Black, White/White, or Native American/Native American, couple agree with each other on race? Of course, not.
  3. Children of same race unions are not affected by racism: I’m sure we can all think of examples of children facing discrimination or being discriminators. Care to share some of your own experiences?
  4. People who marry within their race care more about their children than people who marry outside of their race: Given the fact that most parents who are accused and convicted of abusing their children are in marriage or dating relationships with people of the same race, we probably shouldn’t be singling out interracial couples for extra scrutiny. Ok, I’m being sarcastic, and purposely using statistics in a way to upset people, but there is absolutely no evidence that most or many people in interracial relationships do not care about their children, just like there is no evidence that people who marry within their race care more about children than interracial couples.
  5. People in same race relationships agree on racial issues and their political implications: Ok, I can think of a few couples who reveal the absurdity of this. Ever heard of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mary Matalin and James Carville? Their politics are different, and I’m sure this extends to their racial politics.
  6. Intraracial couples have more in common than interracial couples: In sociology we use the terms endogamy and exogamy to talk about marrying inside (endogamy) or outside (exogamy) one’s group. This applies to race and other social groups–gender, class, religion, age, and so on. However, we also have another term called homogamy, which is a broader term referring like marrying like. Unlike the first two terms, homogamy refers not only to group membership, but also to values and beliefs. Marrying within the same race does not guarantee that a marriage will be homogamous in terms of values and beliefs, and marrying outside of one’s race doesn’t guarantee that people will have different values and beliefs.

In part two, I’ll give more myths about intraracial relationships, but for now, let’s discuss the one’s mentioned above. Since I didn’t say much about each of the six points, feel free to add your two cents in the comments.

Jan

5

Father Disapproves of Marriage and Kills Daughter, Son-in-Law, and Grandchild

Filed Under Crime/Hate Crimes, Family Issues, Gender and Sexism, International Racism, Interracial Relationships, Sociology | 11 Comments

This is a really depressing story, and since it clear intersects with many of the topics we deal with on this site, I wanted to post it.

A 57-year-old Indian man has been charged with killing his pregnant daughter, son-in-law and grandson by setting afire their apartment in the US state of Illinois because he was upset over her marrying a man from a “lower caste”.

Subhash Chander faces three counts of first-degree murder, one count of homicide of an unborn child and one count of aggravated arson, and was denied bail by Judge Martin E McDonough.

Monika Rani, 22, Rajesh Kumar, 36, and their son, Vansh, 3 were killed in the weekend blaze. Rani was about five months pregnant, authorities said.

Chander told police that he was upset with his daughter and son-in-law because they married without his consent and he considered Kumar to be from a “lower caste”, First Assistant State’s Attorney Robert Milan was quoted as saying by media here.

But Chander’s sister Kamla Devi said it was not true. She said the family accepted the marriage and that the caste system was not a factor to the family at all.

She claimed it was something that “people have brought up in the US since the family has immigrated from India”.

On the night of the fire, Chander went to a gas station to buy gas for his son, but decided to give it to his daughter instead. After arriving at her door, he said, Kumar told him that it was late and asked him to leave.

He told police that Kumar started to push him and some of the gas from the container in his hand spilled onto the carpet just inside the door. Chander told police that he became “upset and angry” and pulled a lighter from his pocket and set the carpet on fire.

Chander said that he did not call police or the fire department to report the fire, nor did he call his daughter to make sure she and her family were safe.

A few media outlets have used this as an opportunity to discuss domestic violence in Chicago’s South Asian communities:

This was the third Chicago-area case in one year involving an Indian family, domestic violence and fire. NBC 5 asked counselors who serve the Indian community about that on Wednesday.

The Hamdard Center in Addison provides domestic violence counseling to more than 270 Indian and Pakistani families every year. Chairman Dr. Mohammad Hamid said the threat to family honor is a common thread in these cases, but said there is no evidence domestic violence is more common in the Indian community than other cultures.

The difference, counselors said, is that Indian families often refuse to get help before anger turns to rage.”They want to keep this a private matter and solve it at home,” said Hamid.

Relatives of Chander have insisted he did not set the fire.Counselors said if the allegations are true, this is an extreme and isolated case they hope will call attention to the problem of domestic violence in every community.

I have seen a few studies on domestic violence in South Asian families here in the US, and while it is very difficult to determine if the rates of domestic violence are higher in this group, the studies do indicate that there are numerous barriers that South Asian immigrants face in getting help in domestic violence situations. Some of those barriers are related to cultural norms, but many of the barriers are also related to lack of availability and culturally sensitive domestic violence counselors and shelters (which is true for many immigrants and native born people of color).

For those who are interested in supporting the Hamdard Center here is the link.

Dec

30

Interracial Relationships: Some People Really Are Clueless

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Family Issues, Interracial Relationships, Original Essays and Analysis, Race and Racism, Sexuality and Heterosexism, Sociology, Uncategorized | 167 Comments

On the post Some of My Best Friends (and Family) are Racist, I got these three comments over at Alas. I was struck my how ignorant and insensitive they were. I pasted them below. Quite frankly it’s a little too personal for me to respond easily to these comments. I have to detach myself and put on my professor hat.

First there’s Ed:

Are you a professional victim? You knew his presence would be noted and you , forgive me, seemed to enjoy rubbing their noses in the fact of his extra melanin. Oh look everyone! I am sooo superior to you because I have the metrosexuality to be with another race! Feh. In isolated areas, they need to make a personal connection with those that are not common to their experience. Did you allow them the time and place to view him as a person or did you show him off in the manner of a designer toy?

Then Jolly Wacker writes:

What!?

You had a black boyfriend. You have a demonstrably racist family.

You invited your black boyfriend to a gathering of your demonstrably racist family.

And then you have a Mary Sue breakdown because of the outcome.

Clearly, in order to show off your enlightened sensibilities about race to your family, a black man had to first walk the plank.

How many melanin enhanced men tossed over the side without a life preserver do you think might actually guilt your family into at least silent hate?

Why are you associating with your racist family anyway? Dont tell meyou think you can change them?

Had I been him I would have been appalled by your casual disregard for my dignity, your childish need for affirmation from your racist family, and then, while walking out the door, told you to go polish some other lawn jockey.

I find it quite interesting how when it comes to interracial relationships people feel the need to read between the lines and make numerous assumptions. I’m not unwise enough to think that most people support interracial relationships. In fact, only around 6% of all marriages are interracial1, and dating is a little more common but still rare. I think the fact that such relationships are uncommon is strong evidence of that the social taboo against IR’s still exists.

What is striking to me is the complete and utter lack of empathy and understand of how people in interracial relationships have to deal with family bigots. I guess it’s hard for people to square the fact that racism is contradictory. People can love someone and be incredibly racist toward that someone. They seem to have this very unrealistic sense of how pervasive bigotry is. If interracial couples stayed away from everybody who has racist attitudes and prejudices against interracial relationships, they would have to sit at home all the time. They wouldn’t have jobs, they wouldn’t have families, and they wouldn’t have a life. I think what the commenters don’t realize is how widespread and pervasive family opposition (and lack of support) are for interracial couples, and this is one area of racism where the bigotry tends to come from both sides. In black/white relationships the anti-interracial relationship attitudes are more common in white families, especially white women’s families, but opposition to IR’s (I’m going to abbreviate for the rest of the post.) is found in many families.

There are a few other interesting underlying stereotypes in these comments. Such as, interracial relationships involve ulterior motives. In this case people assumed that I had a political motivation for being in a 4 year relationship (in the end it was 5 year relationship). They also make the assumption that interracial relationships are a way to express rebellion. Those are two very common racist stereotypes of interracial relationships. Another interesting thing to note about the first comment is the fact that the author seems to give the “Get Out of Racism Free Card” to the bigoted relatives. They are supposed to be given time, as if 4 years is not enough time, and the relative in the interracial relationship is supposed to be able to determine in advance how everyone will react.

The other interesting belief that underlies these comments is the idea that interracial relationships really shouldn’t exist because people oppose them. The assumption in the comment below is that if your have racist relatives and you are in an interracial relationship you should completely disassociated from your family.

Why are you associating with your racist family anyway? Dont tell meyou think you can change them?

Had I been him I would have been appalled by your casual disregard for my dignity, your childish need for affirmation from your racist family, and then, while walking out the door, told you to go polish some other lawn jockey.

Notice how the person blames the person in the interracial relationship (not the bigot). So in this case, he believes it was my fault that my grandfather was a bigot.

The second comment also employed some very common race/gender stereotypes of white women. That we are weak, unrealistic, overly emotional, and naive.2 Gendered racism and racialized sexism always rear their ugly heads in any discussion of interracial relationships.

Now the last annoying comment deserves special consideration. I don’t think Michelle was in the same category as the others, but I do think her comment is insensitive and unrealistic.

Actually, whatever the commenter Ed did or didnt do or see correctly, his point about whether you were using your ex as object really seriously merits some self-reflection IMO.

I dont have to fully understand or agree with Ed to see the value of that point that his comment raises.

Your story presents you as a good white person to some extent, in relation to the overt racism you encountered.

And you know what, I actually do see racist objectification of your ex in this story itself. His subjectivity is not central. Instead, he is just part of a larger plot line that is centered on the subjectivities/inner realities of you and your family, the white people. He shows up in the story not as an actual person but as a Black object who the white people respond to. You have one pretty abstract line of attention to how he felt in his voice (presumably), and thats it.

You named Ed a bigot, and you locate some of the other white people in your story as racist are you exempt from being a primary perpetrator of white supremacy? You address passivity (not interrupting/calling out others racism), but I am talking about you actively perpetuating white supremacy through less overt methods, such as objectification of a person of color while maintaining the centrality and most-humanness of white people.

I responded to Michelle in this way:

Michelle, Youre treating this like a work of fiction, not like real life. The reason the story marginalizes his point of view is because it is told from my point of view, and when I talk about real life, deeply personal, and potentially painful issues, I cannot pretend to speak for someone else. Unfortunately, since he and I are no longer in contact and I cannot ask his permission to get his side of the story, I think it would be unfair to him for me to publicly discuss more intimate details of his reaction.

The story is about whiteness and racism, and how it negatively affects whites. I suppose I am reaffirming whiteness as central to this narrative, but for the time being I think it would be more offensive for me to pretend to speak for someone else and to publicly post more intimate personal details about the same person.

Im curious what you (and Ed) think a white person in a serious interracial relationship is supposed to do about their racist relatives? Should you disown youre family and make sure that your spouse or partner never has to deal with them?

I think Michelle’s comment is a little better than the other two. She has some valid points, but I think she is just going to have to accept the fact that the purpose of the post is to address whiteness and white racism, focusing on how it affects white people. I certainly do present myself in a favorable light because I don’t think there is anything wrong with introducing a partner to your family when you are in a relatively serious relationship. I didn’t go into detail in the post about any discussions my ex and I had before going to this picnic, but I guess they assume that after 4 years we never had any conversations about this topic, which is obviously not true.

I think these responses are glaring evidence of how people in interracial relationships are held to very different standards than people in same race relationships. This is part of the reason many people don’t enter interracial relationships, who wants to be held up to all of this scrutiny. I often notice that when my students find out I’m in an interracial relaitonship, they feel that it’s Ok to ask prying and personal questions. Again, it’s just more evidence of giving the bigots a free pass. Rather than focusing on why people oppose interracial relationships, let’s have a long discussion of how the targets of the racists react. Now there is certainly a time and a place for a self critique, but put that was not the purpose of the post.

Side Note: Sometimes posting over at Alas (hell, anywhere on the internet) is so mentally taxing, but honestly I’m reaching the point where I post and wait for the insulting comments to come. I’m a pretty tough person, but recounting a very difficult personal story and then watching people hurl disgusting comments is taxing.

Here are a few old posts on inappropriate questions directed at people in interracial relationships Part 1 and Part 2

  1. This figure includes Latinos as a race, and includes all possible combinations of interracial couples. Out of the 6%, figure marriages between blacks and whites are relatively uncommon. They are about 1/2%, which means for every 200 marriages 1 is between a black person and a white person. [back]
  2. If the story would have been a black woman/white man couple, I can guarantee you that I would have gotten all kinds of racist and sexist comments about black women. [back]

Dec

13

Rachel’s Tavern is Number One…

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Blogs Blogging Blogthropology, Duke Rape, Gender and Sexism, Interracial Relationships, Race and Racism, Sexuality and Heterosexism | 12 Comments

if you search AOL for “white women who crave the mandingo men.”

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