Mar

17

Bottles, Breasts, and Mothering “Choices”

Filed Under Class Classism and Economic Inequality, Family Issues, Gender and Sexism, Media Praises and Critiques, Original Essays and Analysis, Pregnancy and Childbirth | 5 Comments

A few months after my boys were born I stumbled across a message board for twin moms, I really started to enjoy the tips and the sense of community that I gained from reading and posting on the site.  One of the things I enjoyed most was the forum for breastfeeding mothers, which gave me a strong sense of belonging and encouragement, and at that time, I needed encouragement.  Breastfeeding was and is a struggle for me.  I don’t know how things would be different if I was trying to feed only one baby, but I know breastfeeding two babies is one of the hardest things I have done.  While the Mommy message board is a great source of support for breastfeeding, it’s also a place where many of the most contentious elements of motherhood and womanhood are laid bare.  Sometimes it’s the stereotypical Mommy Wars– women in the paid labor force and women not in the paid labor force– but one of the more contentious debates is the bottle vs. breast debate.

As Hugo points out one subset of the Mommy Wars, is the “boob wars”:

And I’ve become aware of what might, for lack of a better term, be called the “boob war” — a sub-conflict within the larger “Mommy War” that continues to rage, exasperating and frightening and dividing women. And into this fight comes a bombshell article in the new Atlantic Monthly: Hanna Rosin’s The Case Against Breastfeeding. More on the article later. (Cap taps, belatedly and with apologies, to Rod Dreher and to Scott.)

The term “Mommy Wars” generally refers to the public and private debates, common among the middle and upper-middle classes of the developed world, about what makes a “good” mother. For years, the chief front in these wars has been the battle over daycare and work outside the home, though other conflicts rage in areas like nutrition and natural childbirth….

I read the Rosin piece; someone posted it on the twin Mommy board.  I felt a great deal of sympathy for the mother who posted it.  She said it helped her to feel less guilt about not breastfeeding, and from that point a discussion ensued with many formula feeding mother’s talking about how they feel that breastfeeding mothers are looking upon them unfavorably.

I’ll be frank; I don’t like the article, but there is one part of the article that stands out as true to me1 :

In her critique of the awareness campaign, Joan Wolf, a women’s-studies professor at Texas A&M University, chalks up the overzealous ads to a new ethic of “total motherhood.” Mothers these days are expected to “optimize every dimension of children’s lives,” she writes. Choices are often presented as the mother’s selfish desires versus the baby’s needs.

I have a great deal of empathy with mothers today who are striving to mother under a mothering ideology that demands perfection.  What I also find fascinating is how both breastfeeding and formula feeding mothers really have the same underlying feelings; both groups feeling that their decision on infant feeding is not respected.  Anytime these kinds of issues come up the Mommy board mantra is “do what works for you” “don’t judge each other’s parenting.”  The down side is that this places limitations on honest communications between these mothers, and the upside is that mother’s, who are already operating under ideology that demands parenting perfection, feel validated.

Nevertheless, topics like this are hotly contested on Mommy boards, and one thing I find most fascinating is that many Mommies blame each other, not the dominant ideology.  Here’s how I respond to the debate over this article on the Mommy board:

Women’s “choices” are often very heavily scrutinized, I wouldn’t say it’s primarily from women but from the entire society, and the hidden radical feminist in me says it’s because women as a class are not truly free. Every behavior that we engage in is held to a different set of standards than our male counterparts, and as you say we damned if we do and damned if we don’t. The can be extended to the abortion debate, the SAHM (stay at home mom) vs. working mom debate, debates over women and domestic violence, debates over women and plastic surgery, debates over hormone replacement therapy, and the list could go on and on. And I guess what bothers me is that we consistently divide women into dichotomies–e.i. virgins/w*hores, good girls and bad girls, bi*ches and nice girls. Thus, all of our behaviors are viewed in this context. I use the term choices loosely because I think that society convinces us that we have more choices than we really do. So many of our behaviors (or “choices”) occur in a societal context where we are so heavily scrutinized that our freedom is limited. It’s limited by peer pressure, it’s limited by sexism; it’s limited by patriarchal ideology; it’s limited by bottom line capitalism; it’s limited by racism; it’s limited by poverty; and I’m sure I could come up with a host of other factors that tell us “choices” are not just personal decisions.

Unfortunately this is where this crabs in a barrel problem comes in because we all feel heavily scrutinized but rather than blaming the social system that creates this mess we blame each other, and no matter what our so called “choice,” the constraints on our full personhood are still there.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t also say that constraints on mothering are radically different in diverse groups of women.  For example, the breastfeeding vs. formula feeding debate has much different meaning for middle and upper income white women living in the US than it does for poor women of color in developing countries.  The the structures of gender, race, class, sexuality, and nationhood operate simultaneously.

I’m not one who think women all have to tow the line and agree with each other, but what gets lost in translation is how social forces much greater than us shape our “choices” to formula feed, breastfeed, or combo feed our kids.

  1. I have several critiques of the Atlantic Monthly article that I would like to touch on in another post. [back]

Jan

31

Let’s Not Get Too Excited About The Idea of Octuplets

Filed Under Demography, Family Issues, Media Praises and Critiques, Original Essays and Analysis, Pregnancy and Childbirth, Sexuality and Heterosexism, Sociology, Uncategorized | 11 Comments

Everyone is talking about the California woman who gave birth to octuplets. Yes, my friends, that’s 8 babies, and it looks like they will all survive. While the news media is gushing, my own response is a little more subdued. We don’t know all of the details surrounding the birth and conception of these babies, but the likelihood of having this many babies at once without some type of intervention is slim. The birth of high order multiples (HOM), while it is amazing, it’s troubling.

First, it’s very dangerous. I can speak first hand as a mother of multiples. Multiple pregnancies are closely monitored, and I routinely went for ultrasounds and stress tests during the last 2 months of pregnancy. This monitoring is because the risk of nearly all major complications for mother and children are higher. I was lucky to have no complications and to go full term–that makes me part of the minority of twin moms. If the risks are this high for twins, can you imagine how high the risks are when a woman is pregnant with 8. The risks to mother and children are very high.
Another ethical issue that arises with an HOM birth is the difficulty that arises in giving adequate care to that many babies. In talking with other twin moms who formula feed, they estimate that formula would cost over $200 a month. Even if this mother is providing some breast milk, the cost for just food would be nearly $1000 a month. By the time you add the cost of other basic necessities, paying for these kids would be nearly impossible. The other issue would be basic care. When my twins were born, I spent nearly all of my time feeding, diapering, burping, and clothing them, and I had help. My spouse was here, and my mother was here for the first week. It was a daunting task, and my twins were full term. Since these babies are micro-preemies, their care will be even more challenging. They will need to eat often, probably every two hours, and there is no way possible that one or even two people can feed all eight of these babies. Plus, the babies will likely have feeding and breathing difficulties associated with low birth weight and prematurity. Moreover, reports indicate that this family already has 6 children. Taking care of 14 children, including 8 preemies is a nearly impossible task.
There are also social and economic costs that the larger community faces in cases like this. The hospital and insurance costs in these cases is huge, and I can’t help wondering if care for other babies in that hospital is suffering. Who knows maybe the hospital has some additional temp nurses to handle these babies, but I wonder if the care of other infants is being compromised because the extreme burden this is placing on the staff. What about the costs of insurance, assuming the family has health insurance? Will all of this medical care be covered; how will the financial burden be shifted around to others. I also cannot imagine in the long term that this family will get by without significant amounts of public assistance. The octuplets will be automatically eligible for early intervention programs, which are often government sponsored programs for children with disabilities. I don’t have a problem with people getting public assistance, but I worry that a case like this is a very heavy burden on the system.
I’m hesitant to comment of the specifics when it comes to ethical fertility practices because we don’t know the exact details of this conception. However, I do worry, as do many fertility doctors, about the ethics of HOM. It’s not likely that a doctor used in-vitro fertilization in this case, but I wonder about the monitoring in this case. In cases where injectible fertility drugs are given, doctors often closely monitor the development of follicles, and the release of eggs. I’ve also heard some speculation about black market fertility drugs, but clearly, we don’t know enough details to focus on the specifics of this conception. Nevertheless, we do know that mainstream fertility doctors do not consider these HOM births a success. Here’s quote from MSNBC:

It’s fine to celebrate the healthy delivery, said Sean Tipton, spokesperson for the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. But, a pregnancy resulting in this many babies is “clearly is not a medical triumph. Eight babies is not an outcome anyone should want.”

Unbridled celebration of these multiple births ignores the risks that this type of pregnancy can bring and the huge costs to the medical system and the parents, say experts.

This leads to my last point. I understand that people are fascinated with multiples. I can personally attest to the public reaction to twins. When we are out with the babies, numerous people approach us and provide unsolicited (sometimes nice and sometimes not so nice) comments. Multiples are a spectacle, and it is understandable because it’s different, but media coverage of multiples treats them with wonder, but generally ignores the challenges. I’d like to see more media coverage that is realistic. After all we rarely hear of HOM pregnancies that result in the death of the mothers or babies. I found this case from the UK that highlights a multiple pregnancy gone terribly wrong. I know for every one success story there are other stories that are not so happy.

While multiple pregnancies may be fascinating or interesting, the challenges shouldn’t be glossed over, especially when we are talking about high order multiple pregnancies. From child care issues, to medical and financial challenges the difficulties and risks are numerous. Parents, doctors, journalists, and the general public need to grapple publicly with what these HOM births mean for society. Unreflective celebration and freak show voyeurism seems to be the dominant way of viewing HOM pregnancies at this time.

Jan

23

Now That We Have a Black First Family

Filed Under Black/African American Issues, Family Issues, Media Praises and Critiques, Original Essays and Analysis, Race and Racism | 3 Comments

I saw this article by John Blake on CNN’s website. The author discusses how having a “married” Black first family could potentially affect African American relationships.  The basic argument is that the Obama’s are good role models because they are a married and financially successful Black couple, who are openly affectionate and loving.

I’m often struck by these kinds of articles–the underlying notion is that Black Americans are in desperate need of role models.  I’m down with role models, but if we want to address the problems of racial inequality and black families, role models are a small piece of the puzzle.

The high rates of divorce and single parenthood in the African American community probably will not decline because we have a married black couple in the White House. Addressing poverty, educational quality/opportunities, and racial discrimination will go a lot further to provide stability to African American families.  I’m not one that thinks the government should spend our tax dollars promoting marriage and I don’t think single parents should be demonize.  My sense of it is that parents and children benefit from loving, stable, and (relatively) happy realtionships.  Much of the resonsibility for maintaining those happy/loving/stable relationships rest with parents, but we also have a societal responsibility to promote and create conditions that help make families happier, more loving, and more stable.  As long as poverty rates, unemployment rates, and other indicators of socio-economic standing lag behind those of whites, its going to be much harder for the typical black family be like the Obama’s.  The Obama’s are clearly a privileged Black family.  They have numerous resources at their disposal that will help them maintain their relationship.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we did more to help create the social conditions that would lower the racial gaps in poverty, divorce, and other family related problems.

Nov

10

Still Not Sleeping Through the Night

Filed Under Family Issues | 7 Comments

I promised myself I would get back to Rachel’s Tavern when my little guys started sleeping through the night. Well they are nearly 5 months old and neither one of them has slept through the night, not once. I’m sooo tired. I knew taking care of infants was tough, but I thought the sleep deprivation would be letting up by this point and I would be able to sleep for a 6 or 7 hour stretch.

I remember all those times I lectured in my family class about why we need paid family leave. Now I can use myself as an example.

Sep

2

Personally, I Find the Attacks on Sarah Palin’s Teenage Daughter Deplorable

Filed Under Family Issues, Gender and Sexism, Media Praises and Critiques, Sexuality and Heterosexism, Sociology | 5 Comments

I don’t have the time to write something coherent, but personally find the hatchet job over at Daily Kos to be one of the most offensive hit jobs I’ve seen in a long time. If you click on this link you can see some of their handy work. They even have a tag dedicated to Palin’s daughter.

Is it really necessary to go out of our way to attack a child because we don’t like her mother’s politics. We know that abstinence only doesn’t work, but we don’t need to make this young woman the poster child for that political position. Attacking a pregnant 17 year old is way too much.

Here are what some others are thinking:

I personally agree with most of what Lauren at Feministe, says.

And I like Amp’s quote in the comments over at Alas:

I do think that this story will implicitly make it harder for Sarah Palin herself to argue for abstinence only education on the stump, and that’s good. (Assuming, for the sake of argument, that Palin’s kids were given abstinence-only education.)

But I don’t think there’s any need for people to talk about her daughter, for that effect to apply. It’s enough to have it be an unspoken elephant in the room whenever Sarah Palin discusses abstinence-only.

Also, I think the political downside for Democrats trying to make hay of this is obvious.

Mandolin at Alas, has also collected several posts on the subject. Including a very relevant point that Amanda Marcotte makes,

I find it interesting how the McCain/Palin campaign tried to shut down the P.R. disaster that is Bristol Palins pregnancy by calling for privacy, which was, just short of their invocation of choice, about hiding behind feminist values to assault feminism itself, since they wish you and your family have neither privacy nor choice when it comes to management of your life. But what I find especially interesting is that privacy was not actually a feminist value until it had to be in order to get reproductive rights established. Which isnt to say that Im against respecting peoples privacy (and really, this is the last mention of the Palin thing in this post*), but that rooting reproductive rights in the value of privacy instead of autonomy and self-determination has actually created some massive problems for us.

Privacy is a double-edged sword. Outside of its use by feminists to get what we want (reproductive rights) without scaring people by arguing for womens equality, privacy is generally a patriarchal value. It shields rapists and wife-beaters. The sense that women are the private property of men is still more ingrained in our society than the idea that uteruses are the private property of women.

All of these posts and subsequent discussions are quick to point out the relevance of this issue as it relates to public policy, specifically the republican opposition to comprehensive sexual education.

Personally, I feel we can talk about these issues without making this one pregnant 17 year old the center of the discussion.

Aug

25

Is this an Obama Baby or what?

Filed Under Baby Blogging, Family Issues, Photo Blogging, Politics | 7 Comments

My little Eli is really growing fast. He’s been making talking sounds for a long time, and he tries to imitate people who talk to him. He kept saying some word that sounded like okra, so we tried to get him to make a long O sound. Here’s my husband trying to get him to say Obama. He comes pretty close to saying it. Of course, according to my mommy ears he actually said Obama. He also likes to say uncle, good, and his favorite made up word is “enguh.”

Aug

15

I’m Back…Sorta Kinda!

Filed Under Baby Blogging, Blogs Blogging Blogthropology, Family Issues | 9 Comments

Over the past 2 months I’ve been inundated with baby care. My life has revolved mainly around feeding and diapering 2 little ones, so needless to say I haven’t had much time to blog, but I promise I haven’t given up blogging. I haven’t checked my email or my site, so if you wrote me, I’m just now getting it.

A few weeks after the little guys were born I pledged that I would get back to blogging when they started sleeping through the night–that hasn’t happened yet. But I figure I can put up a couple posts a week until they actually sleep more than 3 hours at a time.

In the meanwhile, here are a few pictures from their first week. The first picture is of Eli in the hospital. We spiked his hair. I think it helps to get a perspective of how big/small they where when you look at them next to their Daddy’s hands. Like most babies, they lost weight in the first few days of life, but what’s more amazing is how much they have grown since then. In this picture, Eli weighed around 7 lbs, and in the picture at the bottom Mark weighs a little less than 6lbs. They were really big for twins, and I admittedly was really happy when I looked at them in the nursery and they didn’t look any different from the singleton babies. That was a great relief for me, because, being a mom of twins, I was at a greater risk for pregnancy related complications, which lingered in the back of my mind throughout the whole pregnancy. I was very fortunate to give birth at 38 weeks and have two big boys. I’ll add more recent pictures over the next few weeks.

And finally, Daddy, Babies, and Mommy want to thank everyone for their well wishes.s-first-week-012.jpg

s-first-week-026.jpg

Jun

18

They Are Here!!

Filed Under Blogs Blogging Blogthropology, Family Issues | 58 Comments

first-famil-photo.JPG

We welcomed our twins into the world last Friday via C-section. Eli arrived weighing 7lbs. 3oz., at 8:16 AM. He was 19 inches long. His Nigerian name is Emeka. Mark arrived weighing 6lbs. 5oz., at 8:18 AM. He was 18 inches long. His Nigerian name is Akholisa.

We made a video of their arrival. They may have broken the recorded for the loudest birth. The doctors and nurses were all laughing as were Dad and I. They screamed like this for the entire time it took to repair my my incision.

Jun

3

How Much For My Baby Pics?

Filed Under Family Issues, Interracial Relationships, Media Praises and Critiques, Original Essays and Analysis, Pop Culture, Pregnancy and Childbirth, Sociology, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

I know many people love baby pictures. I do anyways. From little scrunchy newborns to running toddlers, I enjoy looking at the pictures but, I find it a little offensive how obsessed this culture is with celebrity baby photos.

Not long ago, I was standing in line at the grocery store when I saw several tabloid photos of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The stories all surrounded the impending birth of the couple’s twins. I’ve notice some gossip shows and websites suggesting that Pitt and Jolie are going to get upwards of $10,000,000 for their babies’ pictures. How decadent can we get?

The celebrity baby photo competition is out of control. This site gives out a few of the exorbitant prices that tabloids have paid to get the first photos of various celebrity babies. Imagine how many of the world’s poor children could be fed and vaccinated for the money given to these celebrities? In fact, I would hope that, if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really do care about the children in poor countries, they would donate that eight figure income to help children who really need food, shelter, and basic medical care.

I also have to make a personal connection because ever since I put up my last update on my pregnancy my number one search has been for “interracial new born baby pics.” Nobody has offered any money for my babies’ pictures. I think there is a gawk factor with mixed race babies and celebrity babies. People want to know about celebrity babies because they want to feel connected to stars. Plus, everyday folks can emulate the latest “baby trends,” like $750 dollar strollers or organic baby clothes. The gawk factor with mixed race babies is different. Since interracial sexuality still is surrounded by taboo and mystique, some people are curious about how mixed race kids look. This doesn’t translate into a paycheck like it does for celebrities, but it certainly translates into internet searches.

What’s fascinating about these examples is that they show how we assign value to people from the moment of birth. One’s value is directly connected to who their parents are; how much money those parents make; their nationality; their race; their popularity, and so on.

May

21

Move Over: Pregnant Woman Coming Through

Filed Under Family Issues, Gender and Sexism, Original Essays and Analysis, Pregnancy and Childbirth, Sociology, Uncategorized | 5 Comments

(Not yet proofread; please bear with me.)

For me, one of the most striking things about pregnancy has been how pregnancy affects embodiment. In particular, I’m referring to how societal interactions and structures make affect social psychology and social interaction. One of the things I’ve noticed in the last few months of my pregnancy is the tendency for people to move over when I walk by them.

I first noticed this among men, especially younger men. It was almost like they would jump out of my way when they saw me coming. Some were clearly being gracious and definitely trying to be polite and considerate, and others looked almost scared, as if I was going to go into labor on the spot. What was fairly consistent was a lack of verbal interaction or sustained eye contact. Older men (those who seem to be over 50), have had very different reactions. They tend to hold doors, make more eye contact, and even strike up conversations. I’ve notice a little bit of difference in relation to ethnicity. Since I live in a neighborhood with many immigrants and different racial groups, I have day to day interactions with many men from different racial and ethnic backgrounds. In my own experience, both Latino and West African men (not African American, but West Africans) are much more likely to have to smiling, friendly, excited reaction. It seems that American born men (or those who are heavily assimilated), regardless, of race are more likely to jump out of the way and avoid eye contact. It is possible that many Latin American and West African cultures are very pronatalist that men view pregnant women in different ways than American men.1

As for women, it took much longer for women to do the move over thing. I’ve only noticed women moving over in the past few weeks when my stomach has been huge2 My experience has been that women are less likely than men to give this pregnant woman extra physical space. When women do move out of the way, it feels different. It rarely feels like their scared, but I do get a sense of pity from some of the women who move over. For most of the women who have a noticeable reaction to my pregnant body, their physical reaction is not really one of distancing themselves. They tend to try to do helpful things like hold the elevator, and then ask the programmed questions like: “When are you due?” “What are you having, boy or girl3?” Women, especially older women, may offer their own personal stories. Although I’ve also had some elderly and young women, act in a way that I interpreted as rude. For example, I’ve had a few cases of elderly women rushing to get ahead of me in line, which I would generally ignore if I wasn’t pregnant. I think there is an interesting conflict between women who are slowed because they are pregnant and women who are slowed because they are older. In terms, of ethnicity I haven’t noticed many differences. The Latinas in my neighborhood tend to have the most favorable reactions, but I felt that I had more pleasant interactions with Latinas before I was pregnant, so it is hard to know how much pregnancy has changed my interactions. I know I’ve had several cases of women speaking to me in Spanish about the babies, and I speak enough Spanish to communicate a little. I’m not comfortable generalizing about racial or ethnic differences in women in relation to moving over, but I think there are other race/class/gender differences in how women react to pregnant bodies or the idea of pregnancy.

The other factor that seems to influence how men and women react to my pregnant body in public interactions is the whether or not I’m alone, with a woman, or with a man. When I’m with my husband, I don’t get as many move over reactions from anybody, male or female. Moving over seems to happen more when I’m with women or, especially, when I’m by myself. I think when I’m with a man, who appears to be my partner, people think I have someone to “take care of me,” so they don’t feel compelled to respond.

From a social psychological perspective, this has made me very aware of my pregnant body. I rarely forget about being pregnant when I’m out in public. Of course, the smiles and other reactions make a big difference in how I interact, but the one that I really notice most is the move over reaction. That reaction has made me a little more sensitive to people with visible, physical disabilities. I don’t see pregnancy as a disability, but I think there are similarities in how people reaction to disabled bodies and pregnant bodies. Moving over is definitely one thing both groups have in common. I can see how people in each group can have their sense of self altered by these repeated move over interactions.

  1. I know in my partner’s culture–Nigerian, Igbo–there is a special word that means “mother of twins.” I’ve been called that by almost everybody in the family, male or female, and the connotation is very positive. [back]
  2. Remember I’m carrying twins, and right now my belly is bigger than almost any woman I know who has had a baby, so I have wondered if the reactions of other women would be different if my stomach was a more typical size. [back]
  3. The question about gender take on another dimension when the person asking finds out that you are having twins. People get really excited, and the most common question I’ve gotten is, Do twins run in your family? [back]

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